Why the astrological sign change is not a big deal (by Jared Collins)

Recently, I went on to the internet, clicked the search bar, entered the address for a News site, and what I saw both terrified and repulsed me.  On the front age of the site, one of the stories was "Astrological sign change; has YOUR sign changed?"  If that wasn't bad enough, yet another story on the site said "Internet users flooding web with complaints about astrological change".  That's right, two of the top stories were both dedicated to a change that was made recently to the astrological signs, and one of which is about how my beloved internet was being defiled by this change.  I decided that it was time to take a stand, and inform the 8 people who read these articles why freaking out about this is a complete waste of time.



THE CHANGE HAS BEEN COMING FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS


Now, despite what people on Twitter, Facebook, and to a much lesser extent Myspace say about how this whole thing is a last minute conspiracy designed by Parke Kunkle, in order to disrupt the natural flow of the world and cause anarchy.  However, many brave souls have decided to oppose him in the most productive way possible, which is, of course, writing internet articles about why he has to die, for the good of the world.  If you don't want to click that link, or read any of the other horrible, horrible articles out there, they all say that this man has decided to "Jack with the zodiac on his own say so", and because of that, he has to die, or at least be maimed horribly.  What people don't seem to understand, is that from people who looked at stars for a living, to people who like to do it as a hobby, they knew that this was coming for about three thousand years, so calm down, this wasn't a spur of the moment type thing.  We knew this was coming.

IT'S NOT THE STARS, ITS THE PLANETS


The reason that this change occurred is because over the years, the planets axis..thing...with the spinning.... (C'mon, is that the best you can do?  -Evans) DAMMIT EVANS I'M AN INTERNET FUNNY MAN, NOT A SCIENTIST!  (you're barely an internet funny man.  -Evans)  MOVING ON.  Anyways, it means that the view and relative position of the constellations have changed because of that, and that's why the zodiac signs have changed.  But, wait a minute, using my extremely limited knowledge of this topic, doesn't the Western version focus on the sun?  So, this guy just decided to try to slip us into Eastern style, which I suppose makes sense, and has been around for as long as the Western version.  So, don't worry.  If you follow the Western version, you're safe.  It doesn't matter how many new signs they add to the other one.

I made this one up right now.  It's name is the snake that will fucking eat you.

NOTHING CHANGES FOR YOU


This last one is my final argument to shut the internet up, and I hope dearly it will shut people up.  This fact is, unless you're complaining about how your two year old child is no longer a gemini, this change doesn't have anything to do with you even if you follow Eastern astrology.  So people, PLEASE, shut the fuck up and let me get back to reading the information that matters:  Which celebrity has the best boobs and why.

I don't know who she it, so I guess shes not technically a celebrity, but COME ON.

Besides, this astrology stuff is bullshit anyways.