ShanYu: A story

Disney movies are usually pretty black and white storylines, and why shouldn’t they be?  The whole point of the Disney franchise is to entertain small children, and children love to watch an underdog hero beat an evil villain that no one likes, learning a valuable lesson on the way.  The Disney franchise has the responsibility to raise several millions of children while their parents are either working or drinking, respectively.  However, once in a while, Disney will let their guard slip, and a character so bad ass you can’t help but hope he wins slips through their system.  Ladies and gentlemen, I give you ShanYu.

It's reassuring to know that no matter how awesome you are, you will never be THIS awesome.

This man is so bad ass that he could take on the entire Chinese army himself, but he chooses not to because that would mean getting his falcon bloody.  Instead he assembles an entire army for the sole purpose of killing the emperor of China.  I realize that this seems like the way to destroy the Chinese government and therefore make it easier to capture, but think about that for a second.  He has gathered warriors from all over this country, not to kill all the just to kill one five hundred year old man.  Even most military generals would take one look at this plan, turn their army around, and go and get smashed at a local bar, he chooses to go along with it because hey, why the fuck not.

Seriously, this man is at LEAST 500 years old.

The plan is basically to scale the great wall, and then slowly travel to the city where the emperor lives, killing everything possible on the way, and then escaping back the way he came when he’s done.  This, essentially, would be the flashiest assassination of all time.  And in case you missed this, his plan to get into China was to go OVER the great wall, probably the most guarded border of all time until Berlin, with an entire army.  Because that wasn’t ballsy enough, he decided to let a guard ALERT ALL OF CHINA before killing him.  So basically his goals in this were; 1. Kill the leader of China 2. Send a giant “fuck you” to China while doing it, and 3. Show off his obviously giant balls.

Go on, say it's not true.  I FUCKING DARE YOU.

However, ShanYu was NOT going to go into this half assed.  Dammit, if he was going to do this, He WAS GOING TO DO THIS RIGHT.  He gathered an army full of highly trained Huns capable of wiping out one of the main forces of the Chinese army.  And they didn’t even break a sweat.  There are scenes entirely dedicated to showing off how heartless and awesome the Hun army is.  And if that isn’t good enough for you, check out this stud.

What.  A.  BABE.

So, with the sheer magnitude of awesome that is Shan Yu, nothing could possibly stop him, right?  I mean, this guy took out a major chunk of the Chinese army.  There’s no way anyone could beat him.

Well, shit.

That’s right, in case you haven’t seen the movie, he gets beaten by a cross dressing woman with hardly any military training and her fellow haphazard soldiers.  I’m not usually one to question the realism of a children’s movie, but COME ON.

SERIOUSLY.

Mulan/Ping uses a conveniently available rocket to create an avalanche that kills most of the huns—along with almost pushing her and the entire group of Chinese soldiers of a cliff.  That means that while it was a great tactical maneuver to cause the avalanche, but not so great to cause it with her allies in the direct path of its destruction.  The only reason any of them survived was because of a well-placed rock and an arrow with string attached to it.  However, Shun-Yu did not get swallowed up by a mountain of snow without a fight, he did inflict a wound on Mulan, causing her true gender to be revealed and her to be executed.  No, wait.  The captain completely disobeys protocol, and allows her to live, stripped of her military glory.  Which turns out to be the whole reason that she discovers that some of the huns, including ShanYu, survived.  Huh.

Pictured:  a bad day to be a hun.

However, does ShanYu let that deter him?  HELL NO!  He grabs the dozen Huns that survived the avalanche, and just for the hell of it, they infiltrate the parade as one of the dragons.  When the moment is right, they show themselves, capture the emperor, and lock themselves in his castle in what is by all appearances a suicide mission.  Once safely inside the castle, ShanYu makes an announcement to all of the bystanders watching as the scene unfolds, and then proceeds to talk shit to the emperor.

Fuck you, emperor.

And right before he kills the emperor, he is stopped by the most elite Chinese military force of all time.  These men are trained in the art of espionage, battle, and pure raw sexiness.  They remain, to this day, the most feared men in all of China.

MOTHER FUUU----

Through one of the worst formulated plans of all time, four cross dressers and a military captain take one dozen of the toughest men in the world, all without so much as a decent sword.  In their defense, they did have the help of a dragon, a cricket, and a shit load of fireworks.  Well, even though they were able to let the emperor escape, ShanYu would have his revenge by killing Mulan and Shang, right?  WRONG.  Instead of just finishing the cowering Shang off, he ignores him, and lets Mulan lure him up on the roof, where she somehow sticks his cape to the roof with her dagger while her lizard dragon lights a Wile-E-Coyote size firework and launches it at him.  At this point, ShanYu COULD avoid the oncoming explosive by ripping his cape, but hell, he’s going to die anyways, right?  Might as well do it while grappling with a rocket and causing the greatest fireworks display of all time.