My adventure with Dora the Explorer

Young children are very impressionable these days, and as such television can take advantage of their developing little minds to, say, build a child army and take over the world in an apocalyptic type invasion of 1 to 5 year olds, armed to the teeth with dirty diapers, projectile toys, and concentrated crying power.

IT'S LIKE DAGGERS IN MY EARS.

Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to observe one of the most popular children shows of all time.  I'm going to de-construct every aspect of the show, write them all down, and show you my findings, some of which will undoubtedly be about subliminally training babies in the art of assassination.

I just pray I'm not already too late.

Now, I'm sure you're wondering, "Evans, how do you plan to decide WHICH show to watch?  Surely you can't watch EVERY popular children's show".  And you would be right.  I can't.  So I've decided to go after the most likely suspect.  the show that not only gets the children to interact with it, therefore training them more effectively, but also has created a spin off show in order to target both genders.

And the streets shall run red with blood.

Let the show begin.

START OF THE SHOW (PART 1)

So, the show opens to Dora and all of her friends, who mainly consist of genetically mutated animals, running around a jungle area in what appears to be a videogame.  Could this be to attract the most lazy of children into her horrible warrior cult?

Hahaha.  Silly monkey demon thing.  You shouldn't be wearing BOOTS.

The title sequence is over, and she introduced herself to me, as if I was some ignorant fool.  She then asked for my name in return.  NICE TRY, DORA.  You're not getting ANYTHING on me.

It looks like the purpose of this episode is to get Dora to the top of some hill, for reasons beyond my grasp.  We start off on our quest, knowing full well that we might not make it back, but after walking through the forest for a while, she stops us.  "Where are we?"  She asks, much to my horror.  Has she been leading us without so much as a clue where to go?.  "We should look in our backpack."  Why would that help, Dora?  We're lost in the forest, damn you, and it's ALL YOUR FAULT.  NO DORA, I'm not singing the backpack song.  I'm not giving you the opportunity to brainwash me with your tricks.  Oh.  I see.  It appears you have a map in the backpack.  I guess I'm the foolish one no--WHAT?!?!  YOU DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE'S THE MAP?  THERE ARE FOUR ITEMS IN YOUR BACKPACK, AND YOU USE THEM ON A DAILY BASIS.  YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS.  Fine, fine, fine.  I'll show you which one's the map, but only because we're lost in the forest.  This is a one time thing.  Good.   Now-what do you mean where should we go.  Dora, there's only one path on the map.  Dear god--GO THIS WAY.  Good.  Let's continue.

THIS, Dora. This is a map.

Alright, we've finally reached the bridge.  Hmm, looks pretty safe, I think we can cro-HOLY SHIT A TROLL.  He wont let us pass, unless we...jump?  What the hell is this?  Some kind of weird troll fetish?  I'm not going to jump, I'm comfortable on the couch.  I don't care if we get to the hill, Dora.  I don't even know why we're going there.  I'm staying right here.  Alright, see?  The troll let us pass anyways.  Thank you, Mr. Troll.  Commercial time, and not  moment too soon.  This girl is an idiot.  I need a break.

AFTER COMMERCIAL (PART 2)

Alright, I'm back for more Dora, and this time, I'm ready (and by that I mean extremely drunk).  Let's get this show on the road, Dora!

Alright, we're walking....walking...walking... DEAR GOD DORA AGAIN?!?!  You should know by now that its bridge, big rock, then hill!  Honestly.

Alright, we got to the big rock.  Holy shit a dragon.  You want us to sing it to sleep?  Dora, the damn thing is going to gnaw on our bones for breakfast, he won't go to sleep with a song!  ....FINE, might as well give it a shot.

Wow, it worked.  I honestly did not know dragons liked songs that much.

Good, almost to the hill.  This disaster is nearly over with.

Is that a fox?  That steals?  He looks like he could kill us all.  Dora, throw him the monkey, and let's make a run for it!  What?  "Swiper, no swiping?"  It feels more and more like the villains are just toying with us.

Commercial.  OOH.  Hot Wheels.

Dear Santa....

THE END (PART THREE)

Alright, the show is over, and I have some final comments.  Firstly, I never did figure out WHY she wanted to go to the top of the hill, or anything after the fox, for that matter, because I woke up hours later covered in what appears to be whiskey.  However, I would like to tell you my findings.  Is TV training children to be killers?  Yes.  Should we be concerned?  Not if Dora's leading the charge.

Seriously.  THIS IS THE MAP.