My adventure with Dora the Explorer

Young children are very impressionable these days, and as such television can take advantage of their developing little minds to, say, build a child army and take over the world in an apocalyptic type invasion of 1 to 5 year olds, armed to the teeth with dirty diapers, projectile toys, and concentrated crying power.

IT'S LIKE DAGGERS IN MY EARS.

Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to observe one of the most popular children shows of all time.  I'm going to de-construct every aspect of the show, write them all down, and show you my findings, some of which will undoubtedly be about subliminally training babies in the art of assassination.

The world's strangest laws (With Jared Collins)

(Hello everyone, this is Evans speaking.  Today, we're introducing a new guest writer to the blog.  This guest writer is Jared Collins, and he is going to inform you of some of the strangest laws around the world.  Enjoy.)

Jared Collins here, and welcome, to the first of many articles that I will do on this blog.  (NOTE:  Take that out.That is not a guarantee. -Evans)  Yes, and since I will be a regular on this blog, I figured that I'll do something a bit different from Evans, and differ from the basic article format.  Not only am I going to write about these law from around the world, I'm going to write my personal thoughts on them.  So, here it is folks, the strangest laws of all time.

ShanYu: A story

Disney movies are usually pretty black and white storylines, and why shouldn’t they be?  The whole point of the Disney franchise is to entertain small children, and children love to watch an underdog hero beat an evil villain that no one likes, learning a valuable lesson on the way.  The Disney franchise has the responsibility to raise several millions of children while their parents are either working or drinking, respectively.  However, once in a while, Disney will let their guard slip, and a character so bad ass you can’t help but hope he wins slips through their system.  Ladies and gentlemen, I give you ShanYu.

It's reassuring to know that no matter how awesome you are, you will never be THIS awesome.

This man is so bad ass that he could take on the entire Chinese army himself, but he chooses not to because that would mean getting his falcon bloody.  Instead he assembles an entire army for the sole purpose of killing the emperor of China.  I realize that this seems like the way to destroy the Chinese government and therefore make it easier to capture, but think about that for a second.  He has gathered warriors from all over this country, not to kill all the just to kill one five hundred year old man.  Even most military generals would take one look at this plan, turn their army around, and go and get smashed at a local bar, he chooses to go along with it because hey, why the fuck not.

My life as a selective mute: part 1

Alright ladies and gentlemen, when I started this blog, I promised myself that I would NOT give any of you any information about myself, for obvious reasons. (Pictured in link, obvious reasons.)  Thats why I don't use my real name, and opt to use the alias "Evans" instead.  If I were to use my real name, then I wouldn't be able to handle all of the insane fangirls that would surely chase after me.

I FEEL YOUR PAIN.

But that limits the posts that I can do.  I can't talk about all of the amazing things that happen to me.  I couldn't write about The time I fought a shark, or the time that I liberated Atlantis from the evil octopus tyrant.  True story.  But the worst part is, I'm unable to write about my awesomeness in everyday life, and the (considerably less awesome than me, but still pretty awesome) people that I spend my time with.  

And the time I trained under Chuck Norris, but that's another story for another time.

So I've come to a way to work around this.  Starting now, when I get too lazy to write, I'm going to let some other writers d articles in the blog.  That way, I get a break, you can get a more in depth look into people's lives, and the other writers get to write in the blog.  (Seriously, who WOULDN'T want to do that?)  So, if you see an unfamiliar name at the bottom of an article, don't be concerned.  No one has snuck into MOWFTW and tried to commandeer it.  It's just my laziness, as well as my ability to find people who will do my job for me.

13 most asked internet questions

 Advice with a side of sarcasm

Featuring: Evans

(This section was created by Evans in order to “allow all of those people out there to let them know how I would solve their issues”, and it is currently the only part of the magazine with reader input.  If you would like to submit a question for Evans, and/or any guest writers that may be in this advice section, you can do so at evansMOWFTW@gmail.com.  We also would like to state that the opinions of Evans and company do not represent MOWFTW, unless it benefits us.  Then we’ll take the credit.  –Ed.)

                Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Advice with a side of sarcasm.  I’m Evans, your host for this evening, and before we get started I would just like to answer the one question that I know all of you are asking.  “Evans, how do you have questions to answer if this is the first advice column ever?  Isn’t that impossible?  ARE YOU MAKING THESE QUESTIONS UP?”  The answer to this question is no, I am not making these questions up.  Though I could have done so, I have decided to peruse the deepest depths of Google to find the top asked question on various topics (from the existence of God to Miley Cyrus’ personal life). And I plan on answering every single one of them.  So strap in, and get ready to have your anonymous questions answered by someone of questionable sanity. 

13.  (Topic:  is it real?)  Question:  Are vampires real?

                Honestly, I’m shocked on two counts.  The first is that this is the thirteenth most asked question on the internet, (with the Twilight craze in full swing, I would have guessed it would crack the top three, at least), and the second is that people don’t know the answer to this question.  Of course vampires are real!  You just haven’t noticed them, because you were on the lookout for an extremely attractive young person that sparkles in the sun. 

You're doing it wrong.

The truth is, you SHOULD be looking for a middle aged man with pale skin and slicked back hair, who burns when he comes in contact with the sun and has an aversion for garlic and crosses.  Oh, yeah, and he’s probably more interested in your mother than he is you.

12.  (Topic: questions by kids) Question:  what is love?

                First off, holy shit.  This question topped the “questions asked by kids” list.  Tell me, how many doe eyed four year olds come up to you and ask, “What is love?  Does it exist?  Or is this just a release of chemicals in my brain that causes euphoria”?  Damn.  Kids these days are beating the hell out of us.

Come on guys, let’s get it together.

 But back to the question.  There is no such thing as love!  This is all a trap!  We’re all part of a sick experiment!  You have to run!  ESCAPE WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!

11. (Topic:  big questions) Question:  What is the meaning of life?

                Finally, an easy question to answer.  The truth is, all of us here at MOWFTW were granted this information as a part of a ritual to join the sacred group of columnists that creates it.  However, we are not authorized to reveal this information to anyone, for fear that if the information got out it would cause mass hysteria and headsplosions.  (they happen just as often as you think at MOWFTW headquarters.)

10. (Topic:  Parenting questions) Question:  how do I help my child deal with a bully?

                First, I would like to point out that this question beat the meaning of life in searches.  So our priorities are obviously a little skewed.  But still, this is a fairly important topic.  As a small child, I was bullied (Now, of course, I’m so badass I have a spare key to Chuck Norris’ mansion), so I know from first-hand experience that a baseball bat works quite well, or, failing that, a shiv made out of a toothbrush.

9. (Topic:  Questions about pets) Question:  why do cats purr?

                This question, quite frankly, isn’t easy to answer.  I had to build a device, that when worn, allows you to hear the minds of the animals around you.  After creating said device, I found a purring cat, flipped it on, and listened to the results.

 The results that I got were nothing short of amazing.  It appears that when cats are purring, the truth is they are sending a telepathic message to all other cats in a 100 mile radius.  The majority of these messages consist of the specific details of their owner’s everyday life, as well as the easiest way to dispatch of him.  The other portion of the messages was them discussing the best kind of salmon.

8. (Topic: computer questions) Question:  how do I make a website?

                First off, before I answer this question, if you A) don’t already know how to make a website or B) are too lazy to freaking Google it, then you probably shouldn’t be doing so in the first place.  That being said, in order to make a website, you must first build an elliptical reflector dish.  You then angle it so that it bounces off of one of the many Microsoft satellites.  From there, you just send your file to the satellite, and you will either have a new website, or be mistaken for a terrorist and arrested for breaking several federal laws. 

7.  (Topic: personal finances) Question:  what is a good credit score?

                For me, a good credit score would be if your credit card places anywhere over a bronze medal.

6.  (Topic:  questions about travelling) Question: how long does it take to get a passport?

                This is a very personal question that, despite what anyone will tell you, varies from person to person.  For example, are you female?  Plus one to three days.  A minor?  Minus two days.  The list goes on and on for practically everything about you.

5.  (Topic:  questions about beauty) Question:  what foods are good for your skin?

                As someone with perfect skin, I’ve never had to ask questions like this, so, I had to (oh the sweet irony) Google the answer to the question.  Here is what I have found:  fish are good for the mind, beans are good for your heart, and pomegranates are good for your skin.

And everything else on this list will kill you.

4.  (Topic:  fitness questions) Question:  How many calories should I eat in a day?

2792.

3.  (Topic:  health questions)  Question:  What is autism?

                Before I answer this, why do you want to know?  Were you diagnosed with autism, and you don’t know what that means, and your doctor refused to tell you?

Or are you just some weird internet troll who wants to expand his vocabulary of insults?  Either way, I’m not telling you.  Haha.

2. (Topic: celebrities) Question:  is Miley Cyrus pregnant?

                At last, the true face of society shows, as the number two searched question concerns a singer/child star’s personal life.  I’m shocked that this didn’t make #1, honestly, but I have an answer that may disappoint most of you; she isn’t pregnant.  Come on, though, people, after all, she isn’t a Spears.

1.       (Topic: Overall #1 question) Question:  how do I tell if I’m pregnant?

Really?  THIS is the number one question?  YOU HAVE A BABY GROWING INSIDE YOU.  Idiot.

(MOWFTW takes no responsibility for any injuries/wrecked relationships/death responsible for following any of Evans’ advice.  –Ed.)

MOWFTW Intro

                        Many blogs are sexy, and the writers use them for power, women and money.  However, we here at MOWFTW have decided to break out of this very sexy blog mold, so, in addition to getting money, women, and power, we’re also going to entertain anyone who decides to read this blog. And get laid.  All the time. But if you so choose to read forward, you must be warned, this blog will make you lose all interest in the outside world.  Your pets will starve, your work will go unfinished, and you’ll lose that shitty burger flipping job that you don’t tell anyone about.  This blog will CHANGE you, man.  You’ll be a different person.  Your friends will barely recognize you.  You WILL NOT be able to handle the awesomeness that is MOWFTW.  So just close the tab, pretend you never saw it, and go about your newspaper reading, pet feeding, myspacing, normal everyday life.  Because if you start, there’s no going back.  This is the matrix of blogs.  Okay, I understand, there’s someone else there, and you don’t want to run screaming from a computer.  But this isn’t a matter of pride.  It’s a matter of survival.  I’m warning you now, for the last time, there are things in this blog that could kill you without even doing anything.  CLOSE.  IT.

… Why are you still here?  Seriously, LEAVE.  You have NO IDEA.  We lost several writers while doing this blog.  It wasn’t even during the research period, where we sent them to the most dangerous corners of the globe.  They survived that, only to be killed by the headsplosion of editing this blog.  We started with a crack team of 63 of the best writers in the world, and we’re down to 1, me.  But that shouldn’t matter to you.  In fact, you shouldn’t even be reading this.  You should have left a long time ago.  You’ve got stones, my friend, I’ll give you that.  But the game is up.  From here on, the blog will start.  And it will be too late for you.  Seriously, you can’t imagine the power this blog holds.  To make it, we had to go through the seven circles of hell, and then punch the devil in the face.  Then we had to divide by zero.  Twice.

Still here?  Awesome, let’s do this.

-Evans