Don't ever stop writing.

Right now, as you can see, I'm writing a blog post.  Well, actually, you can't see it, you can only see the finished product, which doesn't exist yet.  HOWEVER, after staring at a blank blog...post...thing for about five minutes, and my deadline I just made up now rapidly approaching, I said FUCK IT I'M GOING TO START TYPING. And since this imaginary deadline is so close it leaves little room for thought, I just won't stop.  What you are witnessing is my brain vomiting all over your computer screen for about ten minutes (how do brains vomit?  does the head, like....open?)  and it's going to be beautiful.

Unfortunately, typing all the time means I don't have time to think of clever penis jokes or find pictures to accompany this post, illustrating my points in a poignant and humorous way.  Also, I've been on at least a four month hiatus, and with only about six posts before I took said hiatus, so this may not be the best idea for my first new post in a long long while.  Ah, well, no one reads this anyways.  Which surprises me.  I'm clearly the greatest writer on the internet (shut up I am), and yet I'm not drowning in money and scantily clad women.  Something is wrong here.  Internet, I trusted you to make me a millionaire off of a blog that I put minimal effort in a couple times a month, and it hasn't happened.  My only question is, what the fuck?  am I not good enough for you?  Not enough boobs?  is that it?  That's it, isn't it.  Not enough boobs.  Damn my lack of boobs.  That sounded weird.  MOVING ON.

Is it true that goldfish only have an eight second memory?  Every goldfish is Dory from Finding Nemo.  Somewhere, there is a crowd of goldfish in a tank, and they're all terrified because all they're thinking is "Where am I who are these fish whats happening gotta swim where am I who are these fish--hold the phone, is that food I see?"  going through life with no memory of your friends or family, only thinking about eating and sleeping...Nevermind, this sounds fucking awesome.

I wonder if I can turn myself to a goldfish.  Would that change my brain function?  Or would I e the smartest goldfish ever, being discovered by a cruel ringmaster who forces me to do tricks in his cheap circus so as not to be fed to the thousand pound woman?

Goldfish crackers are tasty, but I feel like a little kid whenever I eat them.  WHERE IS THE SOPHISTICATED WORKING MANS CHEESY CRACKERS, I ask you?  WHERE?

How many kinds of cheese are there?  Probably a lot.  It's gotta be a lot, I mean hell, you just slap some type of mold on a cheese and its a whole new cheese.  So its types of cheese (normal) x types of mold = types of cheese (total).  I just made cheese slightly less appealing to 90% of the non existent people reading this.  Or who will be reading this.  whatever.

I just made up an equation on the spot.  It's a good one too.  Does that make me a genius?  If I'm a genius, do I get paid to sit and think?  I think I read somewhere that if you have a certain IQ level, which I clearly do (see cheese equation) then you get something like 50,000 dollars from the government.  Maybe I don't need you after all, internet.  You and your boob fixation.

Yes, internet, it IS a perfectly understandable fixation.  Boobs are pretty great.

What if my grandmother reads this?  Will all this talk of boobs mean she'll write me out of her will?  Does my grandmother know I have a blog?  Does she know how to get to it?  Boobs?

OH GOD THE DEADLINE THAT I MADE UP IS COMING PUBLISH PUBLISH NO TIME TO CHECK FOR GRAMMATICAL ERRORS!  GO MAN GO!

If angry birds was real

[There is a line up of birds besides a giant slingshot, with one bird walking the line back and forth.  One bird, obviously a grizzled veteran, walks down the line while giving a pep talk to the young recruits.]

Veteran ‘Red bird’:  Now, listen up recruits.  You’re all here because you want to fight for your nest against the evil pigs, and win back the eggs that they so wrongly took from us.

Rookie ‘yellow’ bird:  Uhh, actually, we’re here because we’re forced to be here.  In fact, you’ve recruited every single bird from the nest.  THOUSANDS of us.

Red bird:  You listen here, private.  These pigs have taken our eggs, our FUTURE, and you just want to sit around and do nothing?  Well, SOME OF US want to win our eggs back!

Yellow bird:  No, no, that’s not what I’m saying.  All that I’m saying here is recruiting every one of us seems like overkill.  I mean, once we lose, like, 50 birds on this mission, I think it might be time to give up.

Red:  Oh, I’M SORRY, I DIDN’T KNOW WE COULD JUST GO HOME ANYTIME AND LEAVE THOSE EGGS TO DIE.

Yellow:  Well…Yeah.  We can.  I mean, the pigs took them to eat them, right?  So they’re probably already dead.

Red:  AND THAT’S SUPPOSED TO STOP US?!?!?!

Yellow:  But…I mean….is it really worth it to give up the lives of hundreds of birds for this?  For godssake, these pigs built walls, bunkers, castles, and even a fake bubble bath to keep us out.  By the time we get to the eggs, there will be a trail of thousands of dead birds.  All for, what, ten eggs?  Twenty?

Red:  The eggs are our FUTURE, private.  They took the next GENERATION.

Yellow:  Do you realize that you drop OTHER EGGS on the pigs?  Like,  HUNDREDS of eggs?  You turn them into makeshift bombs!

White:….Uh…He has a point, sir.

Yellow:  Not to mention the birds you actually STICK BOMBS into and send them off to die.

Black:  *Sobbing* for….For the nest!

Never forget.

[Black bird launched, screams are heard as he flies through the air, an explosion, then, nothing.]

Yellow:  Oh, and what about the little kids that you genetically modify to split into three like a bloody buckshot?  You’re insane, commander.

Red:  You listen here, runt.  I’ve been shot out of that slingshot 50 times before you ever set FOOT on the battlefield.

Yellow:  Oh, I’m sure you have.  And then you follow a lazy arc, and crash into a slab of wood.  Worst case, you break some bones.  They’ll fix you up and you’ll be back here in no time.  You’re sending most of us to CERTAIN DEATH.

White:  DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT IS TO GIVE BIRTH MID FLIGHT?!?!

Red:  Ho…. How dare you?  What about YOUR job?  All you do is fly at them, as well.

Yellow:  That’s true, but AT LUDCROUS SPEEDS.  You know what happened last time I saw someone with my job launch at the pigs?  THEY HAD TO PEEL HIM OFF THE CASTLE WALL.

Red: Uh….um….

Yellow:  And what’s with the slingshot?  WE’RE BIRDS.  WE CAN FLY.  We don’t have to splatter on a wall; we can swoop in, and target the pigs specifically.  WHY DON’T WE DO THAT.

Red:  We….. Uh…

Yellow:  And you know what else?  THE PIGS ARE GREEN.  They’re obviously dying of some horrible disease, whether we attack them or not.  FUCK THIS.  I’m going to the dirty birdie strip club, who’s coming with?

[All birds but red leave.]

Red:…..Well, shit.

Why the astrological sign change is not a big deal (by Jared Collins)

Recently, I went on to the internet, clicked the search bar, entered the address for a News site, and what I saw both terrified and repulsed me.  On the front age of the site, one of the stories was "Astrological sign change; has YOUR sign changed?"  If that wasn't bad enough, yet another story on the site said "Internet users flooding web with complaints about astrological change".  That's right, two of the top stories were both dedicated to a change that was made recently to the astrological signs, and one of which is about how my beloved internet was being defiled by this change.  I decided that it was time to take a stand, and inform the 8 people who read these articles why freaking out about this is a complete waste of time.

Ways Facebook can ruin your life

Almost everyone who is going to read this article has a facebook, twitter, or, dare I say it, mypace account that you either use, or is sitting in a dusty corner of the internet.

I'm legally obligated to put a picture of this movie on any facebook related article.

But weather you spend hours on these sites each day, or you don't own a computer (unlikely, seeing as you're reading this) there are ways that these sites can ruin your life.

My adventure with Dora the Explorer

Young children are very impressionable these days, and as such television can take advantage of their developing little minds to, say, build a child army and take over the world in an apocalyptic type invasion of 1 to 5 year olds, armed to the teeth with dirty diapers, projectile toys, and concentrated crying power.

IT'S LIKE DAGGERS IN MY EARS.

Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to observe one of the most popular children shows of all time.  I'm going to de-construct every aspect of the show, write them all down, and show you my findings, some of which will undoubtedly be about subliminally training babies in the art of assassination.

The world's strangest laws (With Jared Collins)

(Hello everyone, this is Evans speaking.  Today, we're introducing a new guest writer to the blog.  This guest writer is Jared Collins, and he is going to inform you of some of the strangest laws around the world.  Enjoy.)

Jared Collins here, and welcome, to the first of many articles that I will do on this blog.  (NOTE:  Take that out.That is not a guarantee. -Evans)  Yes, and since I will be a regular on this blog, I figured that I'll do something a bit different from Evans, and differ from the basic article format.  Not only am I going to write about these law from around the world, I'm going to write my personal thoughts on them.  So, here it is folks, the strangest laws of all time.

ShanYu: A story

Disney movies are usually pretty black and white storylines, and why shouldn’t they be?  The whole point of the Disney franchise is to entertain small children, and children love to watch an underdog hero beat an evil villain that no one likes, learning a valuable lesson on the way.  The Disney franchise has the responsibility to raise several millions of children while their parents are either working or drinking, respectively.  However, once in a while, Disney will let their guard slip, and a character so bad ass you can’t help but hope he wins slips through their system.  Ladies and gentlemen, I give you ShanYu.

It's reassuring to know that no matter how awesome you are, you will never be THIS awesome.

This man is so bad ass that he could take on the entire Chinese army himself, but he chooses not to because that would mean getting his falcon bloody.  Instead he assembles an entire army for the sole purpose of killing the emperor of China.  I realize that this seems like the way to destroy the Chinese government and therefore make it easier to capture, but think about that for a second.  He has gathered warriors from all over this country, not to kill all the just to kill one five hundred year old man.  Even most military generals would take one look at this plan, turn their army around, and go and get smashed at a local bar, he chooses to go along with it because hey, why the fuck not.

My life as a selective mute: part 1

Alright ladies and gentlemen, when I started this blog, I promised myself that I would NOT give any of you any information about myself, for obvious reasons. (Pictured in link, obvious reasons.)  Thats why I don't use my real name, and opt to use the alias "Evans" instead.  If I were to use my real name, then I wouldn't be able to handle all of the insane fangirls that would surely chase after me.

I FEEL YOUR PAIN.

But that limits the posts that I can do.  I can't talk about all of the amazing things that happen to me.  I couldn't write about The time I fought a shark, or the time that I liberated Atlantis from the evil octopus tyrant.  True story.  But the worst part is, I'm unable to write about my awesomeness in everyday life, and the (considerably less awesome than me, but still pretty awesome) people that I spend my time with.  

And the time I trained under Chuck Norris, but that's another story for another time.

So I've come to a way to work around this.  Starting now, when I get too lazy to write, I'm going to let some other writers d articles in the blog.  That way, I get a break, you can get a more in depth look into people's lives, and the other writers get to write in the blog.  (Seriously, who WOULDN'T want to do that?)  So, if you see an unfamiliar name at the bottom of an article, don't be concerned.  No one has snuck into MOWFTW and tried to commandeer it.  It's just my laziness, as well as my ability to find people who will do my job for me.

13 most asked internet questions

 Advice with a side of sarcasm

Featuring: Evans

(This section was created by Evans in order to “allow all of those people out there to let them know how I would solve their issues”, and it is currently the only part of the magazine with reader input.  If you would like to submit a question for Evans, and/or any guest writers that may be in this advice section, you can do so at evansMOWFTW@gmail.com.  We also would like to state that the opinions of Evans and company do not represent MOWFTW, unless it benefits us.  Then we’ll take the credit.  –Ed.)

                Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Advice with a side of sarcasm.  I’m Evans, your host for this evening, and before we get started I would just like to answer the one question that I know all of you are asking.  “Evans, how do you have questions to answer if this is the first advice column ever?  Isn’t that impossible?  ARE YOU MAKING THESE QUESTIONS UP?”  The answer to this question is no, I am not making these questions up.  Though I could have done so, I have decided to peruse the deepest depths of Google to find the top asked question on various topics (from the existence of God to Miley Cyrus’ personal life). And I plan on answering every single one of them.  So strap in, and get ready to have your anonymous questions answered by someone of questionable sanity. 

13.  (Topic:  is it real?)  Question:  Are vampires real?

                Honestly, I’m shocked on two counts.  The first is that this is the thirteenth most asked question on the internet, (with the Twilight craze in full swing, I would have guessed it would crack the top three, at least), and the second is that people don’t know the answer to this question.  Of course vampires are real!  You just haven’t noticed them, because you were on the lookout for an extremely attractive young person that sparkles in the sun. 

You're doing it wrong.

The truth is, you SHOULD be looking for a middle aged man with pale skin and slicked back hair, who burns when he comes in contact with the sun and has an aversion for garlic and crosses.  Oh, yeah, and he’s probably more interested in your mother than he is you.

12.  (Topic: questions by kids) Question:  what is love?

                First off, holy shit.  This question topped the “questions asked by kids” list.  Tell me, how many doe eyed four year olds come up to you and ask, “What is love?  Does it exist?  Or is this just a release of chemicals in my brain that causes euphoria”?  Damn.  Kids these days are beating the hell out of us.

Come on guys, let’s get it together.

 But back to the question.  There is no such thing as love!  This is all a trap!  We’re all part of a sick experiment!  You have to run!  ESCAPE WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!

11. (Topic:  big questions) Question:  What is the meaning of life?

                Finally, an easy question to answer.  The truth is, all of us here at MOWFTW were granted this information as a part of a ritual to join the sacred group of columnists that creates it.  However, we are not authorized to reveal this information to anyone, for fear that if the information got out it would cause mass hysteria and headsplosions.  (they happen just as often as you think at MOWFTW headquarters.)

10. (Topic:  Parenting questions) Question:  how do I help my child deal with a bully?

                First, I would like to point out that this question beat the meaning of life in searches.  So our priorities are obviously a little skewed.  But still, this is a fairly important topic.  As a small child, I was bullied (Now, of course, I’m so badass I have a spare key to Chuck Norris’ mansion), so I know from first-hand experience that a baseball bat works quite well, or, failing that, a shiv made out of a toothbrush.

9. (Topic:  Questions about pets) Question:  why do cats purr?

                This question, quite frankly, isn’t easy to answer.  I had to build a device, that when worn, allows you to hear the minds of the animals around you.  After creating said device, I found a purring cat, flipped it on, and listened to the results.

 The results that I got were nothing short of amazing.  It appears that when cats are purring, the truth is they are sending a telepathic message to all other cats in a 100 mile radius.  The majority of these messages consist of the specific details of their owner’s everyday life, as well as the easiest way to dispatch of him.  The other portion of the messages was them discussing the best kind of salmon.

8. (Topic: computer questions) Question:  how do I make a website?

                First off, before I answer this question, if you A) don’t already know how to make a website or B) are too lazy to freaking Google it, then you probably shouldn’t be doing so in the first place.  That being said, in order to make a website, you must first build an elliptical reflector dish.  You then angle it so that it bounces off of one of the many Microsoft satellites.  From there, you just send your file to the satellite, and you will either have a new website, or be mistaken for a terrorist and arrested for breaking several federal laws. 

7.  (Topic: personal finances) Question:  what is a good credit score?

                For me, a good credit score would be if your credit card places anywhere over a bronze medal.

6.  (Topic:  questions about travelling) Question: how long does it take to get a passport?

                This is a very personal question that, despite what anyone will tell you, varies from person to person.  For example, are you female?  Plus one to three days.  A minor?  Minus two days.  The list goes on and on for practically everything about you.

5.  (Topic:  questions about beauty) Question:  what foods are good for your skin?

                As someone with perfect skin, I’ve never had to ask questions like this, so, I had to (oh the sweet irony) Google the answer to the question.  Here is what I have found:  fish are good for the mind, beans are good for your heart, and pomegranates are good for your skin.

And everything else on this list will kill you.

4.  (Topic:  fitness questions) Question:  How many calories should I eat in a day?

2792.

3.  (Topic:  health questions)  Question:  What is autism?

                Before I answer this, why do you want to know?  Were you diagnosed with autism, and you don’t know what that means, and your doctor refused to tell you?

Or are you just some weird internet troll who wants to expand his vocabulary of insults?  Either way, I’m not telling you.  Haha.

2. (Topic: celebrities) Question:  is Miley Cyrus pregnant?

                At last, the true face of society shows, as the number two searched question concerns a singer/child star’s personal life.  I’m shocked that this didn’t make #1, honestly, but I have an answer that may disappoint most of you; she isn’t pregnant.  Come on, though, people, after all, she isn’t a Spears.

1.       (Topic: Overall #1 question) Question:  how do I tell if I’m pregnant?

Really?  THIS is the number one question?  YOU HAVE A BABY GROWING INSIDE YOU.  Idiot.

(MOWFTW takes no responsibility for any injuries/wrecked relationships/death responsible for following any of Evans’ advice.  –Ed.)

MOWFTW Intro

                        Many blogs are sexy, and the writers use them for power, women and money.  However, we here at MOWFTW have decided to break out of this very sexy blog mold, so, in addition to getting money, women, and power, we’re also going to entertain anyone who decides to read this blog. And get laid.  All the time. But if you so choose to read forward, you must be warned, this blog will make you lose all interest in the outside world.  Your pets will starve, your work will go unfinished, and you’ll lose that shitty burger flipping job that you don’t tell anyone about.  This blog will CHANGE you, man.  You’ll be a different person.  Your friends will barely recognize you.  You WILL NOT be able to handle the awesomeness that is MOWFTW.  So just close the tab, pretend you never saw it, and go about your newspaper reading, pet feeding, myspacing, normal everyday life.  Because if you start, there’s no going back.  This is the matrix of blogs.  Okay, I understand, there’s someone else there, and you don’t want to run screaming from a computer.  But this isn’t a matter of pride.  It’s a matter of survival.  I’m warning you now, for the last time, there are things in this blog that could kill you without even doing anything.  CLOSE.  IT.

… Why are you still here?  Seriously, LEAVE.  You have NO IDEA.  We lost several writers while doing this blog.  It wasn’t even during the research period, where we sent them to the most dangerous corners of the globe.  They survived that, only to be killed by the headsplosion of editing this blog.  We started with a crack team of 63 of the best writers in the world, and we’re down to 1, me.  But that shouldn’t matter to you.  In fact, you shouldn’t even be reading this.  You should have left a long time ago.  You’ve got stones, my friend, I’ll give you that.  But the game is up.  From here on, the blog will start.  And it will be too late for you.  Seriously, you can’t imagine the power this blog holds.  To make it, we had to go through the seven circles of hell, and then punch the devil in the face.  Then we had to divide by zero.  Twice.

Still here?  Awesome, let’s do this.

-Evans